I have been thinking of things in organized "lists" recently and thought I would share my most recent one. If you don't understand these, be grateful!:) But trust me, I'm laughing too!
The top 11 things you never imagined you'd EVER hear until you enter the world of infertility:
11. "Your sperm donor will need to arrive 30 minutes before you to make his donation."
Donation? What is this the March of Dimes?
10. "You have a classic case of unexplained infertility."
Um, isn't that an oxymoron?
9. "Your eggs are getting too old."
OK, I didn't know I had an expiration date!
8. "Congratulations, your egg and sperm have passed the hamster test."
Well, I'm just gonna have to take your word on that one.
7. "That one procedure that lasted 2 minutes will cost you $5,000.00"
Right. Do you take payments in corn, eggs or other home-grown products? How about one of my kidneys?
6. "We'll start out with your BBT then an HSG test and if that's clear, then maybe an IUI with some clomid and then a round of IVF with or without ICSI, using plenty of FSH and HCG ."
Fantastic, can I be MIA for all of that?
5. "I'm sorry, in retrieving your eggs I may have cut a vessel and/or your ovary that has caused you to bleed out and need a transfusion."
-------------(that's a flat line) ya, no comment--I was in a coma!
4. "In the event your marriage ends in divorce, which spouse should be awarded the frozen embryos?"
Um, wtf? Can you repeat the question?
3. "By signing this waiver you will not hold us responsible for octuplets"
Why are my only options either zero or an entire litter?
2. "These injections of hormones will make your body think it's pregnant. You should feel sick, bloated, and tired."
So I feel pregnant, I look pregnant, but whoops bad joke...I'm not pregnant, apparently I'm just a lazy fat a$$.
1. "A simple and quick guide to giving a painless injection."
One word. Bullsh*t.
Two women dealing with infertility were walking down the street together. Suddenly they saw a stork fly by carrying a baby. They looked at each other and one woman said, " What do you think that was?" The other woman took out a handgun and said, "Opportunity knocking."
23 comments:
I am laughing so hard!! The march of dimes. That is classic! I am glad that you can laugh, because I would be in a padded room rocking. I know it's not funny, and I am sure that Misty's offer and my offer still stand.
Oh so funny (and yet so NOT funny)... you know what I mean. Megs, you are my hero. And quite possibly the funniest person I know. I love you, girl!
I think my favorite is the divorce one. Um, excuse me... could you repeat that?
I think it might mean I am an insensitive friend for laughing so hard right now.
OMG! That is stinkin hilarious!! I cannot stop laughing! You are so great!! I LOVE the divorce question!!
you rock! amen!
Oh my gosh this is hysterical! I freaking love you and your ability to laugh at this whole situation. (Even though crying about it at times is totally acceptable and necessary too.)
And what the hell is a hamster test??
Yes- I am a blog stalker! But I think you are hilarious! And Thanks for a good laugh!!!
OH, MY F-ING GOSH!!!
Haha! I'm laughing through my laryngitis! Oh my heck. Opportunity knocking. Snort! My offer totally stands. Ship one of those embryos thisaway sister.
Yes, In the divorce I will bring my cooler over and take my embryos with me. Anyone want a popsicle?
Weird...
yeah one time one of my shots didn't really hurt too bad! ;) I guess that was the time that we followed the guide or something.
The stork joke is pretty funny! Speaking of oppotunity knocking, I was at a bridal store this morning with one of my former Young Women. A girl walked in (with her mother and baby) to try on wedding gowns. Yep. I wanted to hand her my name and phone number since after all, her baby was pretty cute! How come it is so easy for some women? What a sad, crazy world.
You are the best at taking a terrible situation and making everyone around you laught. It feels totally inappropriate right now, but I have to admit, I am laughing :)
Aw, that totally made me laugh. I know we don't know each other super well, but I gotta say, I totally admire your sense of humor and good attitude. You're awesome dude :)
I love you. YOU are going to be an amazing MOM some day just like your mom :) If you ever need to talk call me or email me. Since you posted this does this mean you are doing IVF again??
I love you megs! I'm laughing so hard, but I am also tearing up.
Ahhh, the hamster test.
How about driving to an appointment with a bag of sperm, afraid of telling a cop you can't stop for his ticket right now -you're in a time crunch...
Well... I do think you left a few things out. You forgot that the $5,000 procedure in #7 probably didn't work. So now you have to do it again. Unfortunatly, the cost has now gone up to $8,000.
In #2 you also left out that not only do you look and feel pregnant and are not, you have also just spent enough money to put 10 children through graduate school. Literally. But maybe next month will work out for you.
This is why when people tell you adoption is the easy, painless way to get a baby you don't need to feel bad about telling them how you think they should start adding hystosalpinograms to the basic spa package. Totally painless and easy. In fact, maybe we should all run to the doctor and get one right now!
Megan you are great!!!
OMG!! Just so you know, I have printed this and it has now become my new bible!! Sorry James - you are out and the Meg-isms are in!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!! Freakin' HY-sterical (and oh so sadly true)!! AMEN my sista!!! xoxoxo to infinity!
you are ama-za-zing--strong, and hilarious!(to name a couple)
I'm really glad you documented this. they are ALL just too good.
I think you are the coolest girl I've ever met. I love reading your posts. Even if they are funny/not funny. Love yOU!
Post a Comment