I love all my blogging buddies! As I look at my list I see good friends, sisters, cousins, neighbors--people that I know love me! I am so happy to associate with YOU! Thank you for your recent support and thoughts--I have truly felt the love! I am so lucky to be able to freely express myself here in this "safe" journal of mine and know that my thoughts and feelings are "safe" with you! I would consider myself an outgoing individual, but I am also so private about my own personal life and issues. It's kind of an oxymoron, I guess. This blogging thing has changed that a little bit. I write thinking I'm just writing to myself, so tend to share feelings and thoughts and it has actually made me a little nervous realizing that other people read this crap! I want to thank you all for allowing me to share with you my recent sorrow. I must admit, after I wrote that, I felt so much better! It seemed like I could let it go a little bit. Before I wrote down my thoughts, I was afraid to stop thinking about what happened. That may sound strange, but there were parts of it I didn't want to forget and was afraid if I didn't keep reliving it, I would forget those parts. I now have verbalized my feelings and know that I can read that entry and know that I have all my feelings there--and don't need to keep them locked up inside. I sound mental--and I don't care!:)
I am moving on to the stage of grief where you sit around and ask yourself, "What now?" I would like to call everyone on my blogging list personally and talk to you, however, one, I don't have the time and two, I hate talking on the phone! But, I honestly want your advice. All of you have some sort of experience. It's our experiences that help make us who we are, I know. I think of people like my cousin Craig and Kristi and feel such support without even talking to them because they have EMPATHY, not just sympathy! I think of Becky and what she has to go through to get a baby here. I know Tammy, Rachel and Lindsey have had sorrows like mine. My sweet baby sis who knows my pain! Anyone who deals with difficulty in pregnancy like Kate right now or Shellie and her sewing machine :)--what a trooper! None of us are exempt from children difficulties. I admire Elizabeth and Kristin for obvious reasons! I appreciate the challenges that Jenny Lloyd, Karin, and Wendy know. My heart aches for Brittany right now, who is experiencing an all too familiar situation. And to all those who have had similar sorrows, that go unknown--that is why I love you guys! And also why I turn to you now in my time of need. I don't know what to do now and I need your help. I am feeling hopeless and it's starting to get the best of me. I can't sleep very well, I'm not hungry... I hate admitting defeat or grief...but I am having the damnedest time snapping out of this one! What do we do now--We can't just "try" on our own...we've been doing that for 3 years! Do we discuss adoption? (do you really feel like the baby is YOURS?--I hope that doesn't offend anyone) Do we accept we will never have children? Do we sell our house and spend more money on infertility treatments (please no!) Do we just sit and wait? (for what?) Do I just settle in and work until I retire at 65? Do I give it more time before I start asking "what now?" (and do what in the meantime) Do I start looking at the positives of never having children? (I'm afraid that would make me become bitter). Am I just a wet blanket or what? Talk about a party pooper! I'm sorry this is just all about me, me, me...but I'm finding difficulty in seeing a whole lot of positives and that's just not like me. THE BLOODY WEATHER DOES NOT HELP! I know that this ultimately will be decided by how Scott and I feel, but I am so in the forest, I can't see the trees. If you were me, what would you do...feel free to leave a comment or email me at beammer@hotmail.com . It kind of feels good to need people, and I need YOU!
I am moving on to the stage of grief where you sit around and ask yourself, "What now?" I would like to call everyone on my blogging list personally and talk to you, however, one, I don't have the time and two, I hate talking on the phone! But, I honestly want your advice. All of you have some sort of experience. It's our experiences that help make us who we are, I know. I think of people like my cousin Craig and Kristi and feel such support without even talking to them because they have EMPATHY, not just sympathy! I think of Becky and what she has to go through to get a baby here. I know Tammy, Rachel and Lindsey have had sorrows like mine. My sweet baby sis who knows my pain! Anyone who deals with difficulty in pregnancy like Kate right now or Shellie and her sewing machine :)--what a trooper! None of us are exempt from children difficulties. I admire Elizabeth and Kristin for obvious reasons! I appreciate the challenges that Jenny Lloyd, Karin, and Wendy know. My heart aches for Brittany right now, who is experiencing an all too familiar situation. And to all those who have had similar sorrows, that go unknown--that is why I love you guys! And also why I turn to you now in my time of need. I don't know what to do now and I need your help. I am feeling hopeless and it's starting to get the best of me. I can't sleep very well, I'm not hungry... I hate admitting defeat or grief...but I am having the damnedest time snapping out of this one! What do we do now--We can't just "try" on our own...we've been doing that for 3 years! Do we discuss adoption? (do you really feel like the baby is YOURS?--I hope that doesn't offend anyone) Do we accept we will never have children? Do we sell our house and spend more money on infertility treatments (please no!) Do we just sit and wait? (for what?) Do I just settle in and work until I retire at 65? Do I give it more time before I start asking "what now?" (and do what in the meantime) Do I start looking at the positives of never having children? (I'm afraid that would make me become bitter). Am I just a wet blanket or what? Talk about a party pooper! I'm sorry this is just all about me, me, me...but I'm finding difficulty in seeing a whole lot of positives and that's just not like me. THE BLOODY WEATHER DOES NOT HELP! I know that this ultimately will be decided by how Scott and I feel, but I am so in the forest, I can't see the trees. If you were me, what would you do...feel free to leave a comment or email me at beammer@hotmail.com . It kind of feels good to need people, and I need YOU!
18 comments:
funny thing megs...I need you too. I need to hear your story, to have you express your thoughts and share your pain. I helps keep my life in check and helps me keep focus on the big picture. I have not cried so much in the past few weeks(I know I'm preaching to the choir). And through all of this it makes me want to be a better friend to everyone. Thank you!
You have got to be the most amazing and precious person out there. You have no clue how much you influence me and how I look up to you. Every time I see your smile and happy face I am just tickled inside. I could just hug you forever and take away your pain and sorrows. That is what our Heavenly Father would do. I know he is with you right now in this hard time you and Scott are going through. I feel such a powerful spirit just thinking about it. I know in my heart that we all have our nasty down right no good hard times but we get through them with time and will power. You are so strong Megs and just keep that cute chin up. Answers will come later.....until then we will get through it together as family and friends. We all love you so much!! (sorry to sound a little preachy on this comment)
I sent you an email because my answer was too long to post here. Ask me anything you want to. Don't worry about it being too personal or offensive. It won't be! I've probably had all those worries myself.
OH, you know that I love you more than life itself! You are one in a million, and I could not ask for a better friend/sister in the world! Things WILL get better and if that means that we will need to vaca for the rest of our lives then so be it! I am here for you day/night/morning/afternoon/whenever. I LOVE YOU!!! You beautiful blonde pineapple!
Sometimes I wish that we could glimpse into our futures..and just see what is waiting ahead....it would be interesting. I think an appealing option would be to adopt...so Elizabeth would be your resource on that...when I look at her family....they're a family in every sense of the word. From now until eternity....it's definately something to research and look into. Anyway, that's my two cents...you're in my prayers..keep smiling and know that we love you!!
Lindsey J
Oh Megan, I love you so much! And I love that you are starting to find "peace" with getting your feelings out there. I am a horrible example of "journal" writing, but that is why I am so addicted to my blog. It IS my journal, as yours is becoming.
Anyway, I hate to think I can begin to tell you what you should do, as it is clearly going to be a very personal and private decision. KEEP praying, then try to go to the temple (with OR without Scotty, if that's how your schedule works out). Again I am not a great example here, but I know you will at least feel more peace and start to gain testimony of a direction to perhaps lean toward. Maybe go with a certain decision already "decided-upon" and see how you feel! I know it sounds like a typical Sunday School answer, but those are honestly always reliable and steadfast.
Now my personal opinion (feel free to disregard...), I think that adoption is a wonderful opportunity for both birth mothers and adopting families. We have been exposed to great outcomes in our family of both examples, and I know that all parties have been blessed because of those decitions. I don't want to force this opinion on you guys, but simply let you know I would feel that a baby entering our family this way would be just as much a niece or nephew to me as one you delivered yourself!
I know you will be "thinking" a lot over the next months as you consider your options, and I know you will get to be happy, outgoing Megan again. :) You are an incredibly supportive and wonderful sister-in-law and aunt, and deserve the same happiness with your own children. That is all I want for you and Scott!
I have officially written a novel... and I love you!
I love the fact that you can let us all know that you need us! There are so many times when I just feel like I need help and I don't bother to ask! You are awesome. I wish I had answers for you... I don't. Just know that no option is off the table and do what feels right. LOVE YOU!!! PS-I can't stand the weather either. We both are praying for spring!
You're killin' me smalls!!! Only this time it's not in humor! :) Let me just say that I literally FEEL every word you are saying and KNOW exactly what you mean when you say "what now" and I'll leave it at that. :) MVNL, you are the wind beneath my wings and I love you like a stalker!!! PS, the next time you shop for tissues don't look for "Kleenex" look for "Wendex" I've purchased so much of these that they've re-named the damn company after me!! (((hugs)))
Yeah... if we both weren't married in these crappy winter months, I'd never find anything happy about them. January through March (and most of April) blow. Oh well...
Okay, so my real purpose here. I don't think I can say anything that will make it all better. (I know that's not what you are asking of me), but I will do my best.
I think it's so cool and amazing how many people you have to "call on" in this time of un-clarity, or whatever you want to call it. This is an unbelievably hard time for you and my little bro and well, it sucks. There's nothing else to say about it.
That being said, here's my two bits. First, like Laurel said, this is YOUR decision to make as a couple. Only you and Heavenly Father know what is best for your family...
Okay. I think that adoption is incredible. I think it's so heroic on both sides, and while it is not for everyone I also believe that God has His hand in placing His children where they are supposed to be. There is no doubt in my mind that an adopted little boy or girl will be a "Lee" through and through.
I firmly believe that our purpose in having families isn't to have little clones of us walking around, (although who doesn't want that?) but to raise little spirits in the Light and Gospel of Jesus Christ.
You two are made to be parents. I can't think of two individuals who are better suited for such a job. I just love you both so much-- and of course, my opinion is a little selfish because I just want you to be happy.
One last thing: Again, I want to praise you both for the amazing growth I've witnessed in these last couple of crappy years. I am so impressed by how you love and support each other. It is truly inspiring. Thanks for being such a wonderful example to me.
Well, I've written a freaking book. I'll stop now.
I am also sending an email, but wanted to leave you a brief message here of love and support for whatever you and Scott decide to do (or not to do). The beauty of being an adult is that you get to listen to all kinds of advice, and then make your OWN decision! So check your email for my advice, and then decide whether it is something you choose to follow. I LOVE YOU BOTH either way. Love, Mama Lee
Megan,
I love you as a sister in God!
xx oo XXX OOO xx ooo
little kiss little kiss, little hug, BIG KISS, BIG HUG, little kiss, little hug!
I stole that from Nacho Libre!
read with a hispanic accent :)
You will know what to do when you need to know! Right now, it is time to heal!
Karen
p.s. I hate the weather too!
Oops. I just commented with my sister's name. So I deleted it. Don't get freaked out.
Boo to the weather. Thanks for the shout out to my pain. But really my pain is nothing and I should just shut my freaking mouth. Love ya. I'm going to e-mail you too. :) HUGS
My 2 cents would be talk to those who have adopted and get your questions answered. Any child would be incredibly lucky to have you and Scott as parents and could not be loved better by any two people.. I know that heavenly father loves you and is there for you. We just want to say we love you both and pray for you and wish we could make this time easier for you. I too need you and admire that you are willing to ask. You are truely amazing. Let us know if you need anything? Loves
Hey cousins. You've had all help and prayers for so long, I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you yet. We're praying for you guys for continual strength and courage. I know you guys have strong testimonies and character. Just remember what Nephi said; "I know that (God) loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things". God loves you guys and so do all of us! Megs--can I call you that too :)--you are a soldier, and I love you!
Megan, Thanks for your honesty and for sharing such an emotional and personal experience with everyone. Like many other people have mentioned on here, ultimately, what happens next is up to you and Scotty. I know my advice doesnt count for much, and frankly, I have no wisdom or experience to help you, but I try to imagine myself in your situation....so here goes for my personal take: Don't sit around and wait! Take control and make the situation what you want it! I know lots of people have thrown out adoption, which I, too, agree is a fantastic idea. There are sooo many babies needing good, loving parents. You could always go for twins! HAHAHAHAAH....Have you thought about a surrogate mother? Maybe one of those fertile sisters of yours would step up eh?! - if not, I will! (yeah i figure i'm not the prime canditate...but...i would!)
Anyway, it's a really big rut in the road, I hope all your friends and family can help to cover the hole to make your journey smoother :) Love you guys
PS!!!!!! I am totally holding you to your new year's goal of spending more time with your friends...SUPERBOWL sunday/Ryan's BDAY party this Sunday...come on, it's tradtion!!!???
LOVE JANELLE
(Georgia Mindy again)-Megs I had no idea what you were going through. I was so sorry to hear you are having such sorrow in your life. Nothing said can take that pain away, but it will lessen over time. You have gotten a lot of really good advice and support. Know that I am one of those people you can call any time for any reason (I hope you already knew that)Just a bit of advice, my mom's body couldn't carry babies any more after me (yes I broke the mold), so she had to adopt to get my little brother (Mike) here. Take it from a family that has brought a special soul into their family from somewhere else. It doesn't matter where they came from. It only matters that YOU are the ones raising that child. The birthing process isn't the experience that we are reaching for. It's gaining that child to love, protect, teach, guide, & cherish the rest of our lives. If that is what you are wanting, who cares how you have to get your baby. It's the fact that you are chosing to raise a child for God. You will be fabulous parents. Go forward with how your heart feels the best way to get that child is. If you are close to the Lord you can not go wrong. I have always thought that you were FAB. Give yourself time to heal and then follow your heart, but don't worry about adoption. They feel as if you did give birth to them. They are yours through and through. Luv ya Peaches.
Post a Comment